i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
