tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
