shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
