Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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