yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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