Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
