I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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