I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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