8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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