my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.