Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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