why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.