Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.