dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.