My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
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Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.