I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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