dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
