Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
