Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
