last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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