I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
