God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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