My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there's paper in my vomit.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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