dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
