i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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