My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
