It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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