And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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