yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
