Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
