she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
