the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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