let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
