This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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