Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
