this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
