U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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