My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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