I wish my penis had an off switch
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just found puke in my bra..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
