every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
