dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
