Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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