Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
