Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
