i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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