i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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