i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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