I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
