i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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