dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
