You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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