and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
