I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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