Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
