My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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