Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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