oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
