I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
