So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
